 Simon's
Fashion and Slimming Tips
This is not a recent picture of me. I think
it's from about 1990 and I now have a much better haircut. Honest. But
I think it demonstrates that if you really made the effort, you too
could look this bad. This wonderful picture was e-mailed to
me by Greg Cooke and
I thought it only fair to share it with the rest of the world.
As this is my fashion page, I suppose some sort
of commentary would be in order, along the lines of "...today
Simon is wearing the most bloody awful pair of green cords I have
ever seen in my entire life, with a really stupid looking hat and
silly orange jacket..."
Well as we're on the subject of taking the piss
out of me, let's move right along to my Slimming Tips. The main thing
about losing weight is to start from rock bottom. Spend a couple of
years doing no exercise (apart from walking to the pub), eat lots
of pizzas, pies and other high  fat
foods and drink at least 30 pints of beer per week. You should reach
your fighting weight within 6 months to a year. You are now ready
to start slimming.
There probably ought to be "before and
after" shots here, but the "before" shots have a lot
more comedy value. Pictured right, man at BHS, aka Fat Boy Sim, aka
me. This picture has been dated at around mid-1997. I think I must
have borrowed that extra chin from the fat bloke down the pub. Here's
another "before shot" from early 1998. 
In order to lose weight, sacrifices have
to be made. Firstly you have to cut down your beer consumption by
at least 25 pints per week. Not easy.
Next, you have to do some exercise! Don't
you just hate those fat lazy bastards who whine about how fat they
are while shovelling fistfuls of chips or cake into their oversized
mouths?
That's it. Don't give me any of that crap
about drinking milk shakes for lunch or some such rubbish. You have
to get up off your fat arse and work off some of that flab!
I'm just like an ex-smoker really, you
know those really smug gits who've given up smoking for about 10 seconds
and immediately start sneering at people who still smoke. And quite
right too!
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